Sunday, December 2, 2012

It's The Journey: Part I

(for about 2 weeks, I've been gradually writing this blog post series.  My hope is that through writing this, I will better understand my Crossroads experience and that by reading, you will get a deeper look into my life as a walker.)

I have spoken of Crossroads multiple times since I completed my walk, but never with much clarity.  I can very easily write of the wonderful people I was with, or individual circumstances, but when it comes to piecing the entire picture together, I wander around and never really reach a conclusion.  And still, there is a certain confusion surrounding those three months.

Time does so much for the heart.

Sometimes, time heals, and other times, it causes deeper hurt.  It completely depends on the situation.  

Josh writes on his blog of his thoughts after giving himself some time without really thinking of the summer.  I highly recommend that you read his post, because while I am obviously not the same person as he, and therefore didn’t go through all that he did, he says some things that I think are relevant to all of us who walked last summer, at least on Northern walk.  I really respect those who can just “not think about” a life-changing event for a while.  I think it’s wonderful and possibly one of the best way to process.  I wish I could do that.  But at least at this point, I can’t work that way.  Right now, I’m struggling to not think about it every day, every hour.

This isn’t healthy.

I can’t keep living in the past.  It doesn’t do any good, and won’t help me learn.  That being said, I have been able to spend some time over the last three months simply thinking and journaling.

Why did I decide to walk Crossroads?  I’ve been called crazy for doing it, and in a way, I agree with that adjective.  You can’t be completely sane if you decide to walk across the country for an entire summer.  To fly to the other side of the country, meet up with people from California, Missouri, Wisconsin, Maryland, Virginia, South Carolina, and Ireland; and essentially, upon meeting, entrust them with your life.  We quite literally kept each other alive this summer.
I was completely comfortable with my decision to walk Crossroads all of last semester.  It wasn’t until the morning I left that I started freaking out.  I had a breakdown, which doesn’t happen except rarely, and I thought, there’s no freaking way I can do this.  I had processed my summer in advance (as much as I could), gone through all the logical succession of what I would encounter, and accepted that it would be difficult.  But the morning of May 16, I questioned my sanity.

So why did I do this?  When I began, I honestly didn’t know.  I’ll be 100% completely honest.  I still don’t know.  Well, that’s only partially true.  I know that I walked for the unborn.  I know that I needed to stand for life at all stages in a concrete way.  But I didn’t need to walk across America in order to do that.

I believe that Crossroads was put in my path (no pun intended) because I needed it.

(part II)

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